I Have To
by not falling in love
Summary: What was Edward thinking, that last night? Set at the start of New Moon. Spoilers.


**A/N: This was inspired by my fifth rereading of **_**New Moon**_** (so, a word to the wise, don't read this fic if you have not read **_**New Moon**_**). I wondered, what was Edward thinking, that last night? This is my interpretation. I have tried extremely hard to keep his character in line with how he has been portrayed in the books and in the extra stuff online by Stephenie. Also note, I have quoted from the book, but I do not claim any part of the quotations as my own. Now, enjoy! And please remember to review; reviews are the lifeblood of authors such as myself.**

If I had a heart, it would have beaten faster. She was an angel, there was no doubt. The question was, what about me? Where did I fit in her life of golden light?

"Which is tempting you more, my blood or my body?" she asked me, daring me with her chocolate eyes. Quickly than she could see, I brushed her face with a glance, and I breathed in deeply, the gorgeous scent washing through me.

"It's a tie," I told her. "Now, why don't you stop pushing your luck and go to sleep?" I continued, grinning for a second, before my black mood washed back with painful force, like a king tide.

"Fine," she said, clutching herself closer to me. Her clasp made me feel things I hadn't felt ever before. I felt as if someone loved me, truly loved me, not in the way that a parent loves their child, not in the way siblings love each other, but in the way that brings a proverbial flutter to a pulse and a profound ache of happiness deep inside. I loved her with all of my heart, as much as one is truly able to, without a soul.

Bella shifted slightly, and I could barely stop myself from holding her tighter. She was the most precious thing to me, ever. How could it be that when I found the one person I was destined to truly love, _I_ was the one destroying her happiness? The universe could hardly be less fair. I was a dark blemish in her life, and no matter how much she said she needed me, no matter how many times she said she loved me, _nothing_ could make me believe that I wasn't worthy of someone like her. She was pure, utterly innocent, while I was tainted. It was a case of the devil asking the angel to love him. And no matter how he tried, the devil would never be worthy of her.

Tonight's incident had only proved what I already knew. Not only was I tainting her, I was putting her in danger by just being around her. Bella would never know how I felt when she came so close, oh so close, to dying at my brother's hands. It would have been _all my fault_. Why hadn't I reacted quicker? I was a mind reader, for God's sake, I should have known what Jasper was going to do before he did it. I should been able to prevent all of that blood, _her_ blood, being spilt… and most of all, most of all, I should not have been wanting to kill her myself.

It was pure agony to admit, just to myself, that as soon as that drop of blood welled up, the siren's call that I had learnt to live with increased a hundredfold. The scent was like a physical force, pushing me to murder her, just for even a single mouthful of ambrosial quicksilver. Even when I stopped breathing, the residue of it still tormented me. All of my self control was focused on those moments, those times when her blood spilt. I hated myself for wanting to kill her. It occurred to me that I had never hated anyone besides myself. I was so abhorrent that I couldn't even live with _myself_. If I couldn't live with me, how could Bella? If she wasn't ready to do it herself, I would just have to do it for her.

Her breathing, a whisper in my consciousness as I focused inwardly for my diatribe, began to regulate, and like a breath of wind, a shiver passed over her. What was she thinking? Was she thinking of tonight, and how I had failed her? Was she thinking of the way my brother's face had contorted into a crazed snarl, or the way that I had so wounded her? Through the bedclothes, I could feel the slight pulse of the wound that was pressed against my side.

The rhythm of her heart, the sound of her breathing, they all reminded me of what I could never be. It burned me that I could never be human like her; I could never go into the sunlight, where she belonged. What was I, but a superficial facsimile of a person? I would live forever, but I would never have a heart, and I would never have a soul. I would never have a chance to redeem myself, and never a chance to be let into heaven. Humans were so beautiful, in rare cases such as Bella, in their brief lifespan. Ephemeral, like the desert flower, while _we_ endured like stones so worn by their existence and erosion that they were just that: a piece of rock.

This would possibly be the most excruciating thing that I had ever done. The agony of the change would be nothing compared to this. A tremble of pain ran through me as I contemplated what I had to do. True, it would hurt, but… damn it, it was for Bella. Wouldn't I do anything for her? This qualified as 'anything'. And all of the pain, all of it would be for her. Was their anything more absolving in the universe? I would erase myself from her life, and in the same time gain a small sense of redemption.

What about Bella? Would my departure hurt her as much as it would hurt me? No, I told myself firmly. She was human; wasn't the saying that 'time healed all wounds'? As it had been for so many before her, she would heal. She would forget me. She would live her life. Eventually, someone like Mike Newton would ask her out, and a new chapter of her life would begin… leaving me behind, a blurry picture and a faint infatuation, not quite remembered, not quite forgot. The sting that ran through me then had nothing to do with losing her.

The moonlight spilled from the window onto her face, bathing her features in a angelic glow. Shifting slightly, I turned so that I could devour her face with my eyes. She was so beautiful. A faint tracery of veins and arteries pulsed slightly under her translucent skin, reminding me of what had happened earlier tonight. Her eyes flickered under their lids, darting in frantic motions that seemed somehow endearing. Slowly, she breathed in and out through her nose, the movement of air pushing her mouth-watering scent towards me. As I inhaled the aroma, for once, I felt no need to drink her blood. I only felt a desperate need to protect her, a burning adoration and a longing, a bitter helpless longing, for what I could never have.

I laughed sourly. I had thought that I was cursed before this. Truly, God must hate me, to give me this heaven, only to tear it away to leave chaos and desolation.

I sobbed, once, tearlessly, and knew the sensation of a heart breaking.

"Edward…" Bella begged in her sleep. "Don't leave me. Please, please, don't leave me."

"I'm sorry," I whispered, my throat burning with icy excruciation. "I love you. I have to."


End file.
